Good morning, Nutters! 🌰

Uber’s riding high, OpenAI just printed another unicorn round, and Disney’s gearing up to drop streaming and football bombs in tomorrow’s earnings. Meanwhile, AT&T’s shelling out millions for sloppy cybersecurity, and Patreon just flexed a $10B payout milestone. Let’s dive in and crack open the biggest business nuts of the day.

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🏭 Business Nuts

🚗 Uber Tops Forecasts, Launches $20B Buyback

💸 All aboard the Uber rocket — revenue up, profits in, and buybacks on deck.

Uber just dropped the mic on Q2, beating Wall Street’s revenue expectations with a $12.65B haul (up 18% YoY) and $1.36B in net income. Gross bookings soared to $46.8B, with 3.3B trips completed — that’s 38 trips per second. 😳

📈 Segment Highlights:

• Mobility bookings: +18% to $23.76B

• Delivery bookings: +20% to $21.73B

• Monthly active users: 180M, up 15%

And the cherry on top? A $20B share buyback — the biggest in the company’s history.

CEO Dara Khosrowshahi teased new features like Senior Accounts and gender-preference ride matching, hinting at Uber's ambition to serve every age group. Despite a slight dip in the stock post-earnings, the long-term story still looks strong, especially in global delivery markets where Uber Eats is leading the race.

📰 Other News You Should Know

🏈 Disney Earnings Incoming + NFL Network Rumors

Disney’s Q3 earnings are due tomorrow, with Wall Street expecting $1.44–1.48 EPS on $23.75B revenue. All eyes are on:

• Disney+ subscriber trends 📉

• Theme park footfall 🎢

• And rumors of a blockbuster move: acquiring the NFL Network and RedZone.

A deal like that could reshape Disney’s streaming sports dominance overnight. Stay tuned. 👀

🧠 OpenAI Raises $8.3B at $300B Valuation

Sam Altman’s back at it again — and this time with a fresh $8.3B in funding. The raise was led by Dragoneer ($2.8B) and joined by heavyweights like Blackstone, Sequoia, A16Z, and TPG.

This puts OpenAI at a $300B valuation, securing its throne as the most expensive olive oil–loving AI company on the planet.

🚜 Caterpillar Warns: Tariffs May Slash $1.5B Off Profits

Tariffs are clawing into heavy machinery. Caterpillar says it could lose $1.5B due to escalating U.S. tariffs, even as annual sales hold steady. It’s also bracing for a choppy second half.

🛠️ The supply chain costs are creeping up — and investors aren’t loving the sound of it.

🔐 AT&T Pays $177M for Breaches That Exposed 173M Records

AT&T is settling up after two massive data breaches. The telecom giant will pay $177M, and affected customers can claim up to $5K each.

📅 Payouts are expected in early 2026 — and so are the lawsuits, probably.

📺 Fox One to Launch Aug 21 — Just in Time for NFL Season

Fox is getting into the DTC streaming game with Fox One, launching August 21 at $19.99/month. Sports and news fans rejoice — it bundles everything Fox.

Pay TV subscribers get it free, while Fox plans to bundle it across platforms. Game on.

💰 Patreon Crosses $10B in Creator Payouts

The creator economy is thriving. Patreon has now paid out over $10B to creators since 2013, with over $2B/year flowing out recently.

👥 25M paid memberships + expanding tools = a content goldmine.

🪙 Bullish Plans $629M IPO Amid Crypto Hype

Crypto firm Bullish (parent of CoinDesk and Bullish Exchange) is prepping a $629M IPO at a $4.2B valuation, riding the wave of favorable U.S. regulation and renewed institutional demand.

Filed with the NYSE, the listing could heat up the crypto IPO pipeline again.

🧬 Yaccarino Named CEO of eMed After Leaving X

Linda Yaccarino just pivoted from Elon Musk’s chaos to Miami-based telehealth startup eMed, where she’ll serve as CEO. The company is going big on weight loss meds — and this hire adds weight to the move.

📺 Roku Launches “Howdy” for $2.99/Month — 10k Hours, No Ads

Roku’s launching an ad-free streaming service called Howdy, priced at just $2.99/month. It offers 10,000+ hours of content and aims to undercut everyone.

Their Roku Channel just hit 35.4B hours watched in Q2, a 15% YoY increase, making it the top FAST (Free Ad-Supported TV) service in the U.S.

💡What else are we reading and seeing?

• Palantir is ruthless

• Why self-leadership is your secret weapon

• The biggest red flag someone is a bad boss

• 7 tiny habits that make you more approachable

• The 90-second rule to live a better, more fulfilled life

• What happens to your brain when you use ChatGPT?

• Harvard’s top recommended activity to keep people over 60 fit

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🛑 That’s a Wrap!

That’s all for today’s nutty news drop. From billion-dollar buybacks to billion-dollar breakouts in AI and streaming, it’s clear: the business world isn’t slowing down — and neither are we.

Thanks for reading! 🥜